My Brother Is A Memory
You're a series of photographs, or movies scenes in my mind.
One, you're standing in the Fas Gas cornerstore near home. We've all gotten treats, slurpees, I think. You offer to pay with the little bit of money you have from whatever odd jobs you've been doing.
You're sitting downstairs in the basement at the computer, you're listening to "Missing You" by a rapper, who's name I can't remember. Maybe it's Biggie Smalls. We didn't know that it would later become your song that we would listen to in your memory.
There's the time that we, your older sisters convinced you to let us do your make up because we thought you had the most beautiful lashes. You let us but then you couldn't get the mascara off for school the next day - Dad wasn't happy. I laugh as I write this.
We're in the yard, you're in your dirt biking gear. You come over and we're awkward because we fought the night before and haven't talked since. We were fighting about what to watch on TV, you wanted to watch Survivor, I didn't. You won, because you were bigger than me - towering over me at 5'10" and outweighing me at 180 pounds. I remember that was the first time I realized that you were my little brother that was big and I knew that was the last time we'd fight like that. You come over and you initiate an apology. I accept it. I didn't realize how much that moment would mean to me later, to know that I had a brother who could apologize first. You knew how to do that at fourteen, some people never do that in their whole lives. Would you have maintained that?
There's the night that Dad and Mary and Shayna get in an accident. I have a bad feeling, but I don't say anything to you and Raina. You come down to my room before bed, you have that bad feeling too. I tell you that everything is ok. The next morning, I get the call and find out Dad and Mary and Shayna got in an accident but they're going to be ok. Did you sense things like I sometimes do? Like Mom says she did? I'll never be able to ask you if you get those funny feelings.
There's the last night I spoke with you. You were sitting in my car in the garage. You were with a friend, and you were listening to music. I think I was annoyed, you were my little brother after all. The next time I get in my car, you're not alive anymore but there's patterns in the dust of the windows and on the dashboard from where you and your friend were writing in it. I don't clean my car for a long time, hoping they will stay in your absence.
Some years, the date passes by and I almost forget which day it is. This year, it seems like a momentous occasion, one worth noting. This year, has made me realize how little time I let my mind visit you because when I do, the pain in my heart, makes it feel like it's on fire. The ambulance sirens I hear almost always pull me back to the night that you died, waves of anxiety rise and some deep breaths are all I can do to stop myself from crying.
We're all left wondering who you would have been. I used to believe that maybe this happened to save you from something worse later but now, 18 years later, the reason doesn't make sense. There's no reason - it 's a sad thing that happened without an explanation.
I'm so grateful for these faded memories and for all of the people that are still alive that hold your memory too. When our family and my friends tell me about the things they remember about you, it makes me happy to hear that other people are thinking of you too. We love you, and we miss you, Jaden (May 25, 1987 - October 27, 2001).
One, you're standing in the Fas Gas cornerstore near home. We've all gotten treats, slurpees, I think. You offer to pay with the little bit of money you have from whatever odd jobs you've been doing.
You're sitting downstairs in the basement at the computer, you're listening to "Missing You" by a rapper, who's name I can't remember. Maybe it's Biggie Smalls. We didn't know that it would later become your song that we would listen to in your memory.
There's the time that we, your older sisters convinced you to let us do your make up because we thought you had the most beautiful lashes. You let us but then you couldn't get the mascara off for school the next day - Dad wasn't happy. I laugh as I write this.
We're in the yard, you're in your dirt biking gear. You come over and we're awkward because we fought the night before and haven't talked since. We were fighting about what to watch on TV, you wanted to watch Survivor, I didn't. You won, because you were bigger than me - towering over me at 5'10" and outweighing me at 180 pounds. I remember that was the first time I realized that you were my little brother that was big and I knew that was the last time we'd fight like that. You come over and you initiate an apology. I accept it. I didn't realize how much that moment would mean to me later, to know that I had a brother who could apologize first. You knew how to do that at fourteen, some people never do that in their whole lives. Would you have maintained that?
 |
| Jaden & Shayna (2001??) |
There's the night that Dad and Mary and Shayna get in an accident. I have a bad feeling, but I don't say anything to you and Raina. You come down to my room before bed, you have that bad feeling too. I tell you that everything is ok. The next morning, I get the call and find out Dad and Mary and Shayna got in an accident but they're going to be ok. Did you sense things like I sometimes do? Like Mom says she did? I'll never be able to ask you if you get those funny feelings.
There's the last night I spoke with you. You were sitting in my car in the garage. You were with a friend, and you were listening to music. I think I was annoyed, you were my little brother after all. The next time I get in my car, you're not alive anymore but there's patterns in the dust of the windows and on the dashboard from where you and your friend were writing in it. I don't clean my car for a long time, hoping they will stay in your absence.
Some years, the date passes by and I almost forget which day it is. This year, it seems like a momentous occasion, one worth noting. This year, has made me realize how little time I let my mind visit you because when I do, the pain in my heart, makes it feel like it's on fire. The ambulance sirens I hear almost always pull me back to the night that you died, waves of anxiety rise and some deep breaths are all I can do to stop myself from crying.
We're all left wondering who you would have been. I used to believe that maybe this happened to save you from something worse later but now, 18 years later, the reason doesn't make sense. There's no reason - it 's a sad thing that happened without an explanation.
I'm so grateful for these faded memories and for all of the people that are still alive that hold your memory too. When our family and my friends tell me about the things they remember about you, it makes me happy to hear that other people are thinking of you too. We love you, and we miss you, Jaden (May 25, 1987 - October 27, 2001).
Comments
Post a Comment