So, You're An Executor
For as long as I could remember, my dad was talking about death and dying a lot. Maybe it had started long before when his dad died or maybe when he, miraculously, survived many tragic and terrible car accidents or maybe, it was when my brother died. Regardless, it was a common subject in our house. With this chatter, came his preparation and so, naturally, there were many references to "what we would get when he died." There were "living will" gifts which included assistance in buying a condo, a fully funded university education, vehicles and many other things. We were not left for wanting, at least not in the material world.
The last time we talked about his actual Will, we were sitting in a campground at a picnic table. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and his standard jean jacket. He was speaking very matter of fact, and it was a conversation I wanted nothing to do with.
"I've just changed my Will. You'll be the Executor and our family friend will be the backup." He said.
"Dad, I really don't need anything. You've given me everything I need. You paid for university, our cars, and helped with my condo. There's nothing else I need. Give it to everyone else." I said, knowing that when the day came that he died, his Estate would be a contentious issue.
"No, it has to be fair. You will get your share." He insisted.
Eighteen months later, I was in the role of Executor. I said I would never do it again and yet, 8 years later, I was an Executor again for another contentious Estate.
A few things that I learned along the way:
1. It can feel personal.
So, there's a will, that's a good start. It means that everything just gets split and we can all walk away happily, right? Not. Every ask, every disagreement, every conversation and every bill felt personal. When my dad's partner challenged what was in the will, it felt like an attack on my family. When a company sends you a bill, to collect the money of the deceased, it feels personal and insensitive. I got the ambulance bill that took my Grandpa to the hospital where he died, five months after he died. I joked that your last ride should at least be free to hide my anger that I was still dealing with the almost weekly reminders that he is dead and that I have work, outside of grieving to do.
If you're the Executor, and you're the one telling people what they get and don't get, it's nothing but personal. The decisions outlined in the Will are often a direct reflection of the relationship that took place in real life. Not everyone is going to like what you say, even if you're just following the instructions.
2. The stuff matters.
There's this idea that "things don't matter", it's time and memories or something to that effect. Well, when someone dies, it can seem like all of the sudden it does. Items in the house turn into either a sentimental memory or a potential dollar sign. The knickknacks in the house become important and all of the sudden, the thing you didn't care about for the past ten years, it's suddenly special. There are deal seekers who surface asking you how much it would be to buy the thing you haven't listed for sale. Before my Grandpa passed, his kids started laying claim to the various items in his house and some, even packed a few into storage to ensure there'd be no question to who laid claim.
3. It's time consuming.
I spent so much time trying to work on my dad's estate, I almost lost my job. For the first six months, I was drowning with the trips back and forth, the phone calls, the emails and the paperwork. It was three years before I was fully able to close the Estate and I'm pretty sure the day that I did - I booked a trip to Peru.
4. It costs money to get money.
Free money, right!? WRONG. Being an executor costs money. It costs gas to travel back and forth, if you're not in the same city. Lawyers aren't cheap, and you'll likely need one. In some cases, the Estate has to go through probate and while it does, you may be on the hook for keeping things afloat. And in fact, that precious inheritance you're getting, some of it may be spent on the various expenses that you didn't foresee.
5. Have the conversation.
I didn't want to have the conversation with my dad about this Estate and his Will. I thought it was morbid. Looking back, it was a bit, but it was also practical. It meant that I (we) were in a better position to deal with things. It was still a mess but at least we knew there was paperwork in place. My grandpa, was so incredibly organized that when he passed away, I knew exactly where to find the instructions and how he wanted to divide the little he had left. We had conversations leading up to when he died and he told me explicitly, the things he wanted me to do as soon as he had passed. My mom, didn't have a Will and it's made my mom's partner's life much more complicated. It's ironic that we don't plan to die, yet it's unavoidable - we all do. We all need a plan; have that talk with your parents, with your partner, with the person you choose as an executor.
Take what I've written here with a grain of salt. This is written based only on my experiences. At the time that I was dealing with my dad's estate, I was referred to someone about the same age as me who also had the Executor experience, it was incredibly helpful. What he told me hung in my mind every time I doubted myself, I'm paraphrasing it but it was something to the effect of, "Your dad put you in this position because he knew you could do this and that you would make the right decisions by him. Don't doubt that."
As I try to figure out a way to close this post, I reflect on the fact that while being an Executor isn't exactly a comfortable experience, I have to remind myself that I ended up in this spot because my Dad and my Grandpa trusted me and I am glad I was able to help them.
The last time we talked about his actual Will, we were sitting in a campground at a picnic table. He was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and his standard jean jacket. He was speaking very matter of fact, and it was a conversation I wanted nothing to do with.
"I've just changed my Will. You'll be the Executor and our family friend will be the backup." He said.
"Dad, I really don't need anything. You've given me everything I need. You paid for university, our cars, and helped with my condo. There's nothing else I need. Give it to everyone else." I said, knowing that when the day came that he died, his Estate would be a contentious issue.
"No, it has to be fair. You will get your share." He insisted.
Eighteen months later, I was in the role of Executor. I said I would never do it again and yet, 8 years later, I was an Executor again for another contentious Estate.
A few things that I learned along the way:
1. It can feel personal.
So, there's a will, that's a good start. It means that everything just gets split and we can all walk away happily, right? Not. Every ask, every disagreement, every conversation and every bill felt personal. When my dad's partner challenged what was in the will, it felt like an attack on my family. When a company sends you a bill, to collect the money of the deceased, it feels personal and insensitive. I got the ambulance bill that took my Grandpa to the hospital where he died, five months after he died. I joked that your last ride should at least be free to hide my anger that I was still dealing with the almost weekly reminders that he is dead and that I have work, outside of grieving to do.
If you're the Executor, and you're the one telling people what they get and don't get, it's nothing but personal. The decisions outlined in the Will are often a direct reflection of the relationship that took place in real life. Not everyone is going to like what you say, even if you're just following the instructions.
2. The stuff matters.
There's this idea that "things don't matter", it's time and memories or something to that effect. Well, when someone dies, it can seem like all of the sudden it does. Items in the house turn into either a sentimental memory or a potential dollar sign. The knickknacks in the house become important and all of the sudden, the thing you didn't care about for the past ten years, it's suddenly special. There are deal seekers who surface asking you how much it would be to buy the thing you haven't listed for sale. Before my Grandpa passed, his kids started laying claim to the various items in his house and some, even packed a few into storage to ensure there'd be no question to who laid claim.
3. It's time consuming.
I spent so much time trying to work on my dad's estate, I almost lost my job. For the first six months, I was drowning with the trips back and forth, the phone calls, the emails and the paperwork. It was three years before I was fully able to close the Estate and I'm pretty sure the day that I did - I booked a trip to Peru.
4. It costs money to get money.
Free money, right!? WRONG. Being an executor costs money. It costs gas to travel back and forth, if you're not in the same city. Lawyers aren't cheap, and you'll likely need one. In some cases, the Estate has to go through probate and while it does, you may be on the hook for keeping things afloat. And in fact, that precious inheritance you're getting, some of it may be spent on the various expenses that you didn't foresee.
5. Have the conversation.
I didn't want to have the conversation with my dad about this Estate and his Will. I thought it was morbid. Looking back, it was a bit, but it was also practical. It meant that I (we) were in a better position to deal with things. It was still a mess but at least we knew there was paperwork in place. My grandpa, was so incredibly organized that when he passed away, I knew exactly where to find the instructions and how he wanted to divide the little he had left. We had conversations leading up to when he died and he told me explicitly, the things he wanted me to do as soon as he had passed. My mom, didn't have a Will and it's made my mom's partner's life much more complicated. It's ironic that we don't plan to die, yet it's unavoidable - we all do. We all need a plan; have that talk with your parents, with your partner, with the person you choose as an executor.
Take what I've written here with a grain of salt. This is written based only on my experiences. At the time that I was dealing with my dad's estate, I was referred to someone about the same age as me who also had the Executor experience, it was incredibly helpful. What he told me hung in my mind every time I doubted myself, I'm paraphrasing it but it was something to the effect of, "Your dad put you in this position because he knew you could do this and that you would make the right decisions by him. Don't doubt that."
As I try to figure out a way to close this post, I reflect on the fact that while being an Executor isn't exactly a comfortable experience, I have to remind myself that I ended up in this spot because my Dad and my Grandpa trusted me and I am glad I was able to help them.
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