The Institution
I can't stop thinking about her. I can see the way she's leaned over to the right, towards her companion. I can see her red sweater, her thinning hair and her hunched posture. Her chin is just barely above the table but she has lots to say. I'm eavesdropping.
"It's getting better. I'm getting to know people." She says.
And then the comment, that I can't stop thinking about.
"There are things that they need to tell you when you're moving to an institution." She comments.
Her companion, "Mom, this is your home. Stop calling it an institution."
I can't help myself, and I go over and start talking to them. I find out this lady who's commentary has me mesmerized is 102 years old and her companion is her daughter. Her eyesight is good with the help of glasses but her hearing is awful. The daughter tells me that the staff say her mom can be very grumpy, that she has one of the "holds no prisoners" sort of spirits and I retort by saying that is how you live to be so old. Her daughter tells me that she's just moved into the Facility in November. I tell her that is the same timeline as my grandpa. I tell her my grandpa hates it. She tells me her mom keeps calling it an institution and she wishes she would stop, and she tells me that her mom needs to see it as her home. Grandpa never called it home. He called it "The Ranch" and other similar titles, but never home.
(Originally written months ago)
.
.
For the last 8 months, I've been helping my Grandpa as he moved from his house of approximately 35 years to a Long Term Care Facility. His move, as I'm sure with many others, happened so quickly. We got a call that a spot was available and we had to decide on the phone, without much discussion. The System is backlogged and we were, basically awaiting the death of another to make space.
He didn't like the food. He once told me they had fish so often, he was surprised there was any left in the ocean. He told me, "they take you in through the front and put you out through the back." When you move there, they make you get rid of everything except the bare necessities. When you unpack, it's like camp.... they label all of your clothes. Some of it comes back from laundry, some of it doesn't. Grandpa was so angry when his favorite merino wool sweaters were shrunk and he was unable to wear them anymore. Try to get any medical requests filled, forget it. It would take my multiple requests, emails that were sometimes answered and a lot of frustration. I started to get a reputation there, as someone who stirred things up. One Saturday, I showed up, it was "Bath Day" (Grandpa's least favorite day), his nails were still dirty. I talked to the staff and asked them to clean up his nails and let them know that I thought that nail hygiene was a part of the getting clean routine. They explained to me that, they were going to "do it later." When the care aid acted on it, she proceeded to clip his nails in the middle of the room, letting the clippings spill onto the floor with no plans to sweep them up. I did report it and it was explained to me that they were working on improving the staff, that the Facility had previously been filled with complacency and they were making their best efforts to move out of that.
With all of this said, I know that there were some staff who really did try. They invited him to the music days, to "Pub Day" where he was welcome to have a beer, they had the music therapist come to his room to play for him, they had a physio come by and he refused to participate. Grandpa really liked it when the massage therapist came (when he came) and he had a favorite nurse and a favorite care aid. When I followed up on a medical request, the Care Coordinator did try his best to find a doctor to help. What I learned, was it was the doctors who refused to come to the facility. Apparently, my grandpa's hearing (despite his loss of sight), wasn't their priority.
What has been reaffirmed is, you need an advocate when you're in medical care or in the System. If you aren't constantly speaking up or asking for what you need, you won't get it. In some cases, it's because people don't care but in most cases, it's because our System is overloaded. The staff are tired and they are taking care of so many sick and so many elderly.
I often wondered what we were doing for senior's mental health. I thought of the lady I wrote about above and what she said a lot -- we throw people into this massive change and I'm not sure we really prepare them. How can we? How do we? You take them from their homes, and put them into shared living where someone tells you what to eat, when to eat, when to go to bed, what belongings you're allowed to have and then expect them to adjust. It's really tough. And, how are we preparing families to navigate the system? It's a part-time job, keeping track of the conversations and requests and follow ups, not to mention their requests which often need short notice turnaround.
Also, as a result of this experience, retirement planning is top of mind. Grandpa got some support from the Department of Veterans Affairs due to his Navy time during Second World War, so the expenses weren't so bad but without that, for the mediocre care, it's over $3000/month and I imagine, by the time I'm there, it will be more. #yolo seems cool when you're doing it but it's frightening to think of that possibility that the mediocre may not be affordable.
I will say is that I am glad that Grandpa was closer to me for the last 8 months. It enabled me to get there every week and sometimes twice a week. We had our outings and did our best to continue our culinary adventures. I was glad I was able to speak up on his behalf, despite my "reputation" and I was glad I was able to move things forward, even in the smallest way. I'm grateful Grandpa was able to find a few things to enjoy - the massages (I'm sure he never got a massage in his life before he was there), and a couple of nurses and aids.
Thank you to Meghan and to Ryan, who were often our dinner companions. Thank you to anyone who I reached out to with questions about the Health Care System and Elder Care and any other thing that came my way. You're all so appreciated!
"It's getting better. I'm getting to know people." She says.
And then the comment, that I can't stop thinking about.
"There are things that they need to tell you when you're moving to an institution." She comments.
Her companion, "Mom, this is your home. Stop calling it an institution."
I can't help myself, and I go over and start talking to them. I find out this lady who's commentary has me mesmerized is 102 years old and her companion is her daughter. Her eyesight is good with the help of glasses but her hearing is awful. The daughter tells me that the staff say her mom can be very grumpy, that she has one of the "holds no prisoners" sort of spirits and I retort by saying that is how you live to be so old. Her daughter tells me that she's just moved into the Facility in November. I tell her that is the same timeline as my grandpa. I tell her my grandpa hates it. She tells me her mom keeps calling it an institution and she wishes she would stop, and she tells me that her mom needs to see it as her home. Grandpa never called it home. He called it "The Ranch" and other similar titles, but never home.
(Originally written months ago)
.
.
For the last 8 months, I've been helping my Grandpa as he moved from his house of approximately 35 years to a Long Term Care Facility. His move, as I'm sure with many others, happened so quickly. We got a call that a spot was available and we had to decide on the phone, without much discussion. The System is backlogged and we were, basically awaiting the death of another to make space.
He didn't like the food. He once told me they had fish so often, he was surprised there was any left in the ocean. He told me, "they take you in through the front and put you out through the back." When you move there, they make you get rid of everything except the bare necessities. When you unpack, it's like camp.... they label all of your clothes. Some of it comes back from laundry, some of it doesn't. Grandpa was so angry when his favorite merino wool sweaters were shrunk and he was unable to wear them anymore. Try to get any medical requests filled, forget it. It would take my multiple requests, emails that were sometimes answered and a lot of frustration. I started to get a reputation there, as someone who stirred things up. One Saturday, I showed up, it was "Bath Day" (Grandpa's least favorite day), his nails were still dirty. I talked to the staff and asked them to clean up his nails and let them know that I thought that nail hygiene was a part of the getting clean routine. They explained to me that, they were going to "do it later." When the care aid acted on it, she proceeded to clip his nails in the middle of the room, letting the clippings spill onto the floor with no plans to sweep them up. I did report it and it was explained to me that they were working on improving the staff, that the Facility had previously been filled with complacency and they were making their best efforts to move out of that.
With all of this said, I know that there were some staff who really did try. They invited him to the music days, to "Pub Day" where he was welcome to have a beer, they had the music therapist come to his room to play for him, they had a physio come by and he refused to participate. Grandpa really liked it when the massage therapist came (when he came) and he had a favorite nurse and a favorite care aid. When I followed up on a medical request, the Care Coordinator did try his best to find a doctor to help. What I learned, was it was the doctors who refused to come to the facility. Apparently, my grandpa's hearing (despite his loss of sight), wasn't their priority.
What has been reaffirmed is, you need an advocate when you're in medical care or in the System. If you aren't constantly speaking up or asking for what you need, you won't get it. In some cases, it's because people don't care but in most cases, it's because our System is overloaded. The staff are tired and they are taking care of so many sick and so many elderly.
I often wondered what we were doing for senior's mental health. I thought of the lady I wrote about above and what she said a lot -- we throw people into this massive change and I'm not sure we really prepare them. How can we? How do we? You take them from their homes, and put them into shared living where someone tells you what to eat, when to eat, when to go to bed, what belongings you're allowed to have and then expect them to adjust. It's really tough. And, how are we preparing families to navigate the system? It's a part-time job, keeping track of the conversations and requests and follow ups, not to mention their requests which often need short notice turnaround.
Also, as a result of this experience, retirement planning is top of mind. Grandpa got some support from the Department of Veterans Affairs due to his Navy time during Second World War, so the expenses weren't so bad but without that, for the mediocre care, it's over $3000/month and I imagine, by the time I'm there, it will be more. #yolo seems cool when you're doing it but it's frightening to think of that possibility that the mediocre may not be affordable.
I will say is that I am glad that Grandpa was closer to me for the last 8 months. It enabled me to get there every week and sometimes twice a week. We had our outings and did our best to continue our culinary adventures. I was glad I was able to speak up on his behalf, despite my "reputation" and I was glad I was able to move things forward, even in the smallest way. I'm grateful Grandpa was able to find a few things to enjoy - the massages (I'm sure he never got a massage in his life before he was there), and a couple of nurses and aids.
Thank you to Meghan and to Ryan, who were often our dinner companions. Thank you to anyone who I reached out to with questions about the Health Care System and Elder Care and any other thing that came my way. You're all so appreciated!
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| Last Dinner Outing (June 30th, 2019) |
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